I’ve been slowly chipping through a book given to me by a friend called The Desire Map. When I say slowly chipping through, I mean at the slowest, snail with-no-agenda pace. A page here, a page there. Needless to say, I’ve hardly cracked the cover but from what I have gathered thus far, it’s a book I need to dedicate more time to. It focuses on creating goals based on that way you want to feel… creating a list of feelings, and then working backwards. It’s a radical thought to me, but so practical. Now, rather than taking my own advice and digging deeper into its pages, I am writing about it instead. This is probably a little pre-mature, but I’ll come back to the book in a later post when I’ve made more headway.
After the past couple years, I inaccurately assumed my readers would have my personality pegged. I’m girl who doesn’t have it all together, questions herself regularly, constantly makes mistakes, and asks for forgiveness often. I figured this was a widely known fact until I moved Los Angeles and connected with someone who I had only known in the blogging world. She has since told me that I surprised her when we met in person, and fortunately that was okay because she’s one of my best friends now… but this has led me to believe that I need to be more honest with you guys. I’m not really all that polished, and I don’t have a pretty story. I just happen to find happiness in what I wear and making others feel beautiful, because I truly believe being secure with your appearance dramatically affects that way you feel on the inside. Hence this blog and my career in hairstyling. These are simply interests of mine, not an all encompassing representation of what my life looks like – I’m not all that curated and curled and accessorized – and I’m okay with letting you know that. Bottom line, I’m not even close to perfect and anyone who knows me personally is probably laughing and nodding their heads as they read this. I’m laughing right along with them.
Last night I sat in my apartment and had an overdue, long living room chat with Fairfax, and between tears, reading segments from books, and recalling quotes, something inside of me clicked. Or – perhaps “clicked” isn’t the right word. Clicked is too simple, too easy. Rather, I could say what has been tumbling around inside of me for far too long, rubbing it’s rough, screech-inducing edges together, finally found a tiny puzzle-piece hold and I had something to grab onto that was substantial enough to tumble out into words. And I want to document it. Here is said documentation.
I am in the laundromat. My iced latte has the name “Kailey” written on it, and at my feet there is a dog who has panic attacks when left alone. My insides are kind of a mess. The past couple of days have been anything but peaceful and I’ve allowed my hurricane tendencies to completely erupt and affect my calm, joy, and sense of reality. This is what I struggle with – projecting my inner turmoil onto others and unrelated life circumstances, and I’m finally beginning to realize it. Finally. At age 28. I am a hurricane.
All the yoga and self-help books and pep talks are nothing until I start to accept that sometimes maybe my emotions aren’t always entirely valid. Maybe sometimes it’s hormones, or the weather, or exhaustion, or hunger. Maybe following my gut isn’t the right decision at the exact moment I’m feeling something. I’m learning that my intuition should be acknowledged, but listened to carefully, and patiently. My anxiety often gets the best of me, and weighs so heavily that I feel I have to empty myself of every little thing in order to feel better … and I lose sight of what is good, and what is toxic – what is a positive force in my life, and what I have to let go of. When I find myself in a valley, I adopt a very “everything must go” mentality. This is what I struggle with. The constant need to scrap and start over. It’s so unhealthy.
So in understanding this facet of my personality, I am working to recognize what is good, what is bad, what should stay what should go. Understanding the effect certain things have on my life, and being intentional about what I make space for. I think the only way I can do this is to have a clear understanding of how I want to feel, and making choices based on that final goal – not necessarily exhausting myself to achieve physical goals such as where I’m working, who I’m spending time with, where I’m living, where I’m traveling. I have faith that once I feel at peace with myself, these traditional goals will healthfully create themselves, and they will hold hands with the feelings I worked so hard to develop, resulting in a genuine, natural, and organic existence. So here is to the constant hard-work of self actualization and personal growth…
“Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself.”
This post was a whole lot of talk about feelings and a whole lot of no pictures. But you made it to the end. You’re a champ. Thank you for being here. How do you want to feel?